I can guess at what might've been going on, and I would have a few guesses on that. I've had a couple of "different" things happen since father's death.
Are you in therapy at all? If so, what does your t say about it?
With me, I've always had the thoughts that I have. I just never knew that everyone didn't.

However, every person has different issues within any disorder. So, it's really hard.
I wish you more than well. Also, I'm very sorry about your loss.
We're all here and listening...
KD