Hello,

I don't know why this is so hard to talk about. Shame, guilt and the fact that I was taught to keep it a secret and have done so up until this point in time.

After keeping a secret for so long, how do you go about telling about it. It feels like I am breaking this carnal sin and this impending feeling of doom looms over me because I am 'breaking this secret'.

I remember always being told that if anyone every found out my life would be ruined, people would view me as a person of 'suspect character; with you got what you deserved.

So I marched on through life doing everything that was expected of me. Once that was accomplished, I began acting out in great rebellion and with anger.

I know that ultimately I had a choice, and am responsible for what happened. That other children faced with the same set of circumstances made different choices...

But inside of me, I feel that my parent especially my Mom, had a parental responsibility which she refuses to acknowledge to this day.

We just had a conversation about this very topic less than 4 days ago because it is still a deep hurt in me that rears its ugly head every so often.

I found myself crying like a child... and just telling her, why wont you accept the fact that you did not take responsibility as a parent to protect me before during or after?

I felt that her responsibility ended where mine began. I accept that... but I was 13 and she was 38.

Her response was she trusted me and I should have known better... and never accepted her role as a parent to protect the child even after the fact!

I acknowledge that maybe in the beginning you don't know what is going on as a parent but once you do,,, and after the event you have a responsibility to protect your child from her molester...

Instead they felt that he was the innocent victim in all of this, that I as a 13 year old, was the one to 'bring it on with my behavior' although he was a 28 year old relative. They made it plainly clear throughout my life until the day he died.

They continued to invite him to the home, entertain him, share the dinner table with him... again up until the day he died (when he was 56 years old!)

My punishment was to be sent off to a boarding school outside of the United states and to be forever viewed as the one who lured him on.

I tried to explain to my mother that a 13 year old just does not have the maturity that he did or that a parent has... she refuses to accept that and we end up at the same old spot: I should have known better they didn't raise me like that, I betrayed their trust ... and that it was wrong for me to sneak around out of the house with this man. They forget that 'this man' came to pick me up at the house... how convenient.

I don't know why it is rearing its ugly head up you would think that after 39 years this bone would be long buried and gone... but some how every once in a while... I dig it up... and that bothers me too...

Why am I digging it up so late in the game of life?

I know that it became a part of the foundation that lead to several abusive relationships there after and perhaps that is why I need to start at the point of origin so I can reconcile and define the patterns I have developed.

These patters are consistently leading me into abusive relationships... the last nearly cost me my life.

Now I fear interacting or trusting people in any way shape or form. Hence why I am choosing this forum.

I hope to find recovery... and ultimately healthy alternatives or methods for bringing closure so I can have the next half of my life and live it in a balanced manner.

Kind regards
The Nameless One