I'm so tired, so ______ tired,

my eyes want to close, the ppain shoots, fron my buthock to my foot, I arch, and practice my new swear words. I wait for the other shoe to drop. My hand are hot and burn, but I am to take tons of vitamins inclosed in childproof caps.

I go nowhere, how, everystep is agony, but I have to keep the appointments or I'm fined, not living on SSDI, I just exhist now, hasn't gone up for what now 2-3 years, but the gas, food, and the damn doctors. Tell me I need to sleep, well I did, dropped off two hours before your appointment and you fined me one tank of gas, one weeks worth of grocheries, and and few extra dollars more.

The pain is my rapist, living with me 24/7. sleep my alter that trips me up gets me in trouble. I feel the victim again, that small, small victim, hopless as hell, no-one to understand, to hear. Pills and patches, usless, the nerves death is louder than any of them. I can't trust my T fining me and at the same time telling me I need sleep, If I fall asleep I might sleep 36 hours, so confused the days. I need to eat well, with what am I suposed to buy heathy food and carry it up two fights of stairs? Went to a pantry-they had no food, they offered a botle of grapfuit juice, trial size box of fiber ceral. The PT's so nice, like the aids in a hospital, nice, but clueless,so cluless. I call evey socal worker that is supost to be there for me, so far, one came while I was at PT, she was to call first, but my TTY scares them all.

4 bags of garbage in the laundry room, I can't carry it down the stairs, When they came to check the fire alrlms it was noticed. Just like a victum I thought the letter was a warrning, clean your place, or out you go-no, let us know when things get so bad, the manager herself stoped by, took all the bags, reminded me, how I've been there every chistmas, buying toys,for the children who have none. Every Easter, helping with the kid's eggs. Telling me, I'm not worthless. When I need something, leave a note, we are right here for you. Oh the tears. I didn't deserve that, they work all day they should not need to deal with my problems too!

Yet,Oh how I needed to hear that. Now, I'm so angry. How dare they treat me this way. I did not ask for this any more than I asked the neighberman to intoduce me to womanhood at age 4. These people who are suposed to help me, make me feel so small, how dare they. No more. But what do I say to a T who fines me when I'm sick and that falls under exceptions. How do I contact social agencies that fear technonoly that allowes me to ''speak" on a phone. Seams money would solve my problems, seems my death would solve everyones prolems and my pain. But I have no plans to die, no rich ancle. Just pain, that each day takes more of my body.

I live in my head, no pain, no need for money, all is grand there. My crystal castle cloud in the sky where I can watch a perfict world where all is just. children get to be children and no one ever hurts them. Everyone has jobs that are suited, and all are payed the same. There is no illness, no pain. Just doctors for skinned knees.