Just an update for everyone...

I have been on the upswing during the past week and think I am going to be okay.

There are a number of actions I took because I felt an urgency to care for myself before things got worse...

*I fixed my sleep habits. It was not easy to get a normal schedule back, and sometimes I'm still up a little later than I should be, but I am now going to bed around 1:00 a.m. and waking up no later than 10:00 a.m.

*I became a non-smoker. I have always struggled with this one, but I started practicing a mindfulness technique combined with some buddhist philosophy and wouldn't you know it, I let go of cigarettes pretty easily...and now I have tools to use when I have cravings. Being a non-smoker has also helped me sleep better and feel healthier/happier.

*I started practicing mindfulness. I eluded to this already, but I have found mindfulness to be useful for a number of things. The overriding theme of it for me though has been not only noticing my body sensations and emotions, but also not judging them or trying to resist them, and rather accepting them. I locate the sensations in my body, give them a color, shape, observe them, and accept them.

*I started going to Al-Anon meetings. I have been to three of them over the last week, and not only is it helping me in regards to my issues with my deceased mother (she died of liver cirrhosis from drinking), but I am also realizing that I am not as alone as I thought in how I have been affected by growing up in an alcoholic home, and that maybe I'm not so strange after all. Being in an environment like this, where people are vulnerable and sharing their feelings, getting in touch with what is alive inside of them, is extremely helpful to me. I tend to benefit from these types of environments.

*I started cooking for myself. I know this sounds strange, but this has really helped me. I have always eaten super healthy, but now I am eating even healthier and cooking (or just preparing, if it is raw) the food myself! About a third of my diet is the same thing every day, and it is doing wonders for my body.

Some more updates...

The job that provided me with room/board did somewhat coerce me into leaving the company, and I felt really angry about it at first, but I've accepted it now and realized that the place wasn't a good fit for me anyway, and that my performance style would do better in another environment. They didn't pay me anyway, and I can support myself financially through my other job, so I decided it wasn't worth being upset over anymore.

Some bad news though...

I was denied the Graduate PLUS loan that I need to pay the rest of my tuition and living expenses for graduate school due to an old debt from 4 years ago. However, I've made arrangements with the collection agency to settle the debt over the next 2 weeks, and then I should be approved for the loan. In the event that I am not, I have been invited to move to Oregon, so I may do that just for the heck of it and then reapply to a cheaper graduate program next year (either out there or somewhere else in the country) where my subsidized and unsubsidized loans will be enough to cover my tuition. I'm not sweating it. I've already decided whatever is going to happen is going to happen, and I can only do my best by doing the right thing. I'll be in graduate school one way or another eventually. Why beat myself up over this?

Anyway, I am feeling much better. I am thinking about facing some other issues in my life soon (family stuff) so I will probably be posting here again looking for some input.

Honestly, a lot of the comments here brought a genuine smile to my face during a time where I felt like my world was caving in on me and I was all alone. I don't have many people in my life that understand psychology or know how to offer support in the way the folks here do. Your support and overall kindness made me believe again, and I can't thank you enough. You folks inspired me. This forum is a true blessing.

Peace and love to all