My therapist called today -- I was glad cos had decided she was dead or in the hospital for some reason. The little voice in my head said she had just given up on me and didn't want to deal with me any more. I know better but my heart doesn't believe it. I have picked a big sore on one arm and my scalp is raw but I have not cut. Big whoop this is not that much different. Oh well I keep telling myself the longer I can go without picking up the knife the better.

So she called and I deflected -- I need face to face not phone to phone. I did agree to go onto her cancellation list. I could tell from her tone of voice she was concerned about me. I just couldn't be open on the phone like that especially with something i have never broached with her before.

I have to have a minor operation on Friday, really bad bonespur on one heel. I have been using that to keep from cutting. After all the surgeon will do enough cutting for me. I had to wrestle a bit with ideal of having surgery because my first reaction was, "oh goodie I get to be cut without any guilt!" But this is a minor thing and I need to have it done. So as part of learning to take care of myself I am going through with it.

I want to cut, to see the swelling of the blood - to feel the sting of the blade - to experience again the melting of tension -- see if it still feels so exquesitely good. But I don't want to go into surgery having to explain such things, and I don't want to take a chance on doctor cancelling after I have worked so hard to be able to do this in a semi healthy way.

Sigh, life is not fun at the moment.
dalila