I remember feeling like this early in therapy. My therapist was just SITTING THERE in that chair looking at me and I felt soooooo uncomfortable. He would ask the occasional question, but he almost just seemed like part of the office furniture...but part of the office furniture that might JUDGE ME

When I got brave and started telling him what I needed from him, I didn't get it from him. I remember once him asking me what I needed, and I said "I need you to pat me on the head and tell me I'm doing a good job" and he said "Well, that's not really in the bounds of our relationship" or something like that and I just felt like "UGH".

It took a long time for me to learn to trust T, and it took a long time for us to get to really "know" each other. T has told me that he's learned things and isn't the same therapist he was when I started...we've been together almost 4 years, and just like I've changed in that time, he has too.

Therapy is super hard, and for me, it was all a huge surprise...I didn't have ANY idea what kinds of things it was going to bring up for me. I knew I would tell my story, but I didn't know what it was going to feel like, or that so many complicated feelings were going to come up about the process itself.

I used to tell T ALL THE TIME "I'm not the same person 'out there' that I am 'in here'". I had always managed to push everything away and function really well, and there I was with all of this childlike stuff coming up. It felt really uncomfortable and yucky, and it still does sometimes.

I guess I would say to hang in there....I think it's one of those things that gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better, and then it's really worth it.