You are right that some people might say that. I would say that those people just don't get it. I encourage you to consider the effect on your daughter of being raised by a dad who tells her she is fat and ugly. The effect on your son of being raised to believe that it is okay to treat people like that. The effect on both of them being raised to believe that it's okay to be mean to people who are different from them... I encourage you to read about the characteristics of abusive relationships. I hope you don't misunderstand. I'm not telling you to leave him necessarily. I think though that your intuition is picking up on some real and valid concerns.

I think that jadedmoonbeam makes a good point about your ex.