Hi Hazel, there is some good advice here and you are right, abuse doesn't always mean physical. I know you havent seen a therapist about this but there is another option. I had received really good counciling from a family councelor at a church.
I was not even a member of that church. I can't remember wether I paid for that service or not but this coucelor pointed out so many things that I just didn't see.

I agree that there are some red flags in your relationship and definitely red flags where the children are concerned and as I listen to people who are struggling they often describe being raised in a situation exactly what you are describing. And I think your gut is telling you that.

Now you said your current husband was in the military, did he serve in any active duty? If he did he could have symtoms of PTSD and that could include the anger towards you and even your daughter as well as the medication he is taking for anxiety issues. The other red flag is that he could only have surpervised visits with another child he had, they don't order that for no reason Hazel, um red flag.

And your right, he is not treating your daughter well at all and that can and will effect her the longer it is allowed to continue. You are living with a possible tyrant and look at you, you are afraid to make waves or counter his behavior with creating boundary lines that stick and he respects. And the amount of communication between you and the current husband is on a grade level of POOR. And his son is your son too, do you want your son to grow up thinking that this is acceptable behavior? Your son will treat others the same as he will learn that it is not only accepted but that he will gain by that bad behavior.

Are you in a mess, well yes, the communication and relationship is deteriorating if there is really much of a relationship at all. And the statement that your working extra to make up for the bills inconveniencing him? Well, than there is another option, he go out and get another job and you stay home. And his spending habits are another bad sign, he is not being responsible and he is acting like HE IS THE ONE THAT IS THE ALL MIGHTY DECISION MAKER, and THE DECISIONS HE IS MAKING ARE NOT HEALTHY ONES.

When someone is afraid to express their feelings with a spouse and sit down and set real boundaries and boundaries are always crossed than, yes, you are in an abusive relationship and those have a way of getting worse not better.

Check into family counceling services and see if you can get some advice. And most important start a journal where you can keep track of his behaviors. Even if you have to start a thread here and add to it so that it is not a book or record that he can find and the abuse could get physical.

Think about my questions. What is his history? What is he being treated for?
Has he served in active duty? Remember he must have gone through a lot of disciplinary training, is he using that in your home is he running you and your children in a boot camp? These are just some questions that you need to address, also, DOES HE DRINK or ABUSE ALCOHOL even just once a week?

Open Eyes