recently i began googling things about fear of becoming [regnant.

i found a phobia that is called - "tocophobia"
but that is not what i am afraid of.tocophobia is the fear of pregnancy and childbirth - namely as it relates to the actual process of childbirth and labour.

i am not afraid of that aspect. . .atleast i dont think i am.
i am afraid of conceiving a child and it growing inside of me.

ive never had a phobia really - but i think this borders on it inways.

i just cant describe the shame and guilt that wash over me when i think of becoming pregnant. like i am too dirty, like it means i did something wrong.

starting around 7-8 yrs old i thought that "God" wanted me to be a nun and never have sex, never have children . . .i wasnt even catholic.

from teen years on i've always had a fear that any child born to me would suffer from Down's Syndrome or some type of hardship along those lines.

i know these thoughts can be traced to some psychological source - i just cant get at the origins.

anyone else been through this?