Hi itspeaks

You have been haunting me. This post haunts me. All who answer you here haunt me. I guess that's why, here I sit at 3:30 in the morning composing and deleting posts in an attempt to answer you. I know Disguise read the first one. I deleted it.

"Delete", "Remove," "Abort"..all such empty words. Like the empty, the big Empty you feel in your gut. It's wrenching, painful, you are falling and there is nothing real to anchor you in this deep dark abyss you are falling through...you think "Well, if I have a baby, it will all be better." I am hoping that my story will help you; though it is exceptionally hard to write it.

I had two abortions which were the resultant of rapes when I was 15 and again when I was 16. Back then, everyone was having multiple abortions, they used them as methods of birth control. Didn't seem to bother them at all. "Just a piece of skin" my mother said. That's all they knew back then. (70's)

I was sexually abused before memory. The boys found me very early. My brothers had friends who found me, my father found me as a mere babe...my parents divorced when I was two.

It continued into my teens. I was pursued by boys, men...a deer caught in the headlights.

When I was 16, I still had not had consentual sex with anyone. I hated myself.
A boy in my building wanted to marry me. He didn't want sex till after we had married. He bought me a three carot diamond ring, we had an engagement party-live band, prime rib. His huge Italian family adopted me, loved me, bought me clothes.
He loved me, and he knew my history. He was sooo loving and kind. He truly loved me.

I broke it off. I gave back the ring, the diamond cross, the earrings, etc.. He was too good for me.

I had to be punished...I had my breakdowns from the abortions. Oh, how I loathed myself. I knew when they'd have their birthdays (still do) To this day, I regret it all.

Men were after me all my life...I let the most intelligent, charming, controlling, sociopath have me.

I married. I was whatever he wanted me to be. The ideal wife, mother, gourmet cook, hostess, gardener; the butt of his sexual cruelty, emotional cruelty, and spiritual cruelty. Yes, I had two children, adults now with children of their own.

I did not exist for 16 years.

He fooled around on me..I got diseases, couldn't figure it out; I always did what he wanted. After the diseases I got a bed in the basement.

He went after our 13 year old daughter.

She was my jewel....my dream for the future...I went to family court with her written description of what he'd done, he was escorted out that day.

A ten year long divorce ensued.
I permitted this man to make me a nonentity for 16 years...he was verbally and physically abusive in front of the children. They soon learned how to do the same.

My adult daughter, who idolized me as a child; does not speak with me today. She probably fears that she will be as I was. I have accepted this. I am still hopeful.

The point is, I wasted 26 years of my life punishing myself (my children also suffered) for those abortions.

I hope you will not do the same. Do you know you?--dumb question-huh?
Is this really the right guy for you? You have so many years to have babies.

Someone here has a signature by Cobain:

"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than be loved for who they think I am."---that's really good.

This is so hard to write; but I feel compelled to write it...maybe you will learn something from my story? I wasted 26 years of my life punishing myself!!!
I so hope you will not do the same!

I didn't even try to get to know myself! I'm 56 now, and I'm only just now beginning to like me--to LOVE me---how f***ing amaaazing is that?!

Having babies didn't make me stop loathing myself. It took hard work, it took years of getting to know myself.

I've often wondered if they've ever taken the statistics of the high rate of abortions in conjunction with the high rates of Domestic Abuse.....interesting.

Yes, you can have babies! But first--how about that little girl in you who so wants your forgiveness, your love, your cuddles? She ne'er got to have any fun...she wants to come out and play.....she hurts soooo much, she needs you now more than ever!
She is you!!!

Oh yes! you will hear that bird sing!!!(((((itspeaks)))Please love you? You are so special, you feel this all too deeply to be a vacant non entity. I have such high hopes for you! Pax---theo

I apologize for this being so long..it wasn't easy to write. I also apologize if I have overstepped your boundaries.