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I'll be gone for the week, to return in 7 days. I'm afraid that I'm too far gone in my insanity to seek help; I don't know that it will do any good. I read about what therapy is, how it works, and I'm nervous. In the past I've been dx with MDD, PTSD, OCD, anxiety disorder(s) and rapid cycling bipolar. I've got a very strong disposition... I've always blocked all of my feelings out. I thought I could do this forever. The racing thoughts, perverse as they are, seem to be more prevalent and constant. I cannot tell where I stop and the outside world begins. I cry a lot, when I'm alone and I am overly-sensitive to outside stimulus. I have no close friends, except for my husband, and truth be told I don't want any friends. I've always been alone in my own head; no one really knows what I think. I fear telling other people how I feel... they won't understand or they'll truly see just how out of touch I am. I don't feel that I deserve anything; everyone I encounter leaves me because I bring them down. I am not on any medication.... I know I probably should be. I've taken zoloft, prozac, lexapro, wellbutrin, effexor, lithium, zyprexa, lamictal, xanax, buspirone, and topamax over the last 10 years. Some help... some don't. I self medicate with beer, wine and rx pain pills and of course because I don't drink or abuse drugs every single day then I feel like I'm the one in control. I would like to think that because I know the characteristics of the disorders and because I obsess over trying to live with these issues without being found out that I'm doing ok. The truth... I'm so not ok.
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