I somehow can relate to what your saying. I can't fully explain it but I understand what your saying. The T says I have PTSD, but I no longer go to therapy. I looked into depersonalization and it also seems to fit. I think I've "shut down" and it prob isn't a good idea to do that. So if you can, try to find a good T to help you work on these things. I guess I can't say a lot because I am not good at expressing how I feel. I can say it would be a good idea to look into what is happening with you with a qualified therapist that is well trained in childhood issues. Whatever you do, don't give up.