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It makes me feel weak that I can't handle life without drugs!

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Very understandable. But depression (aside from situational depression) is an illness - an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. The analogy that is often used is a diabetic needing to take insulin to control the illness.

I wish I didn't have to take the meds I do...but they keep the severe depressive episodes fairly far apart.

I've been thinking about the being in the house alone too much. I read or I'm on the computer - for days on end - and that makes my depression/anxiety worse I'm sure.