In 2005, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I went and read every book I could get my hands on so I could better understand the disorder and manage it. Due to illnesses running in my family and prior experiences of them not taking care of themselves I am a bit hypervigilant in taking care of mine. Anyway, the diagnosis doesn't fit. I admit something is off but it isn't bipolar and other people I know agree with me.
Since 2005 I have had a total of 4 major episodes. The most difficult for me was that people acted like I was in a manic or was crazy and I know I wasn't. It appeared crazy but I knew reality. I started to think that perhaps I was scitzophernic but they ruled that out.
This last time I was able to figure some things out. I honestly think I may have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I hear voices per se but they are not really voices cause they are internal and just thoughts...however, thoughts I don't recogize as my own. During this last episode I seemed to regress to 4yrs old and approx.. 16yrs old but then I would act my age and just BeBop between all of them. Then even weirder I started acting and talking like my biological father and his grandmother at different times. I had no control but rather was watching everything.
It wasn't until I was looking up PTSD (which I have) that I came across the words depersonalization and derealization and it hit me...I knew it wasn't psychosis...those words explain exactly what I was experiencing. So when I saw DID I knew. Oddly enough when I was 16 a counselor said she thought I had MPD...I of course thought she was crazy!
I think the reason others are convinced that it is manic is cause when I have what they consider a major episode it is when the 4yr old takes control and all the other personalities are scurrying to get control. The 4yr old has very magical thinking like most little kids: believing in miracles, believing in superheros, and that christmas can be everyday LOL!
How do I get anyone to take me seriously and rediagnose me? I have gotten "sick" twice on meds now and they are convinced I am not taking meds which I am. I am not on a anti-anxiety med which is what I am finding is an appropriate med for this disorder.
I can accept DID; merely cause it explains exactly what I go through. It may sound odd but it is totally me! I am not scared now of the thoughts since I know they are merely a part of me. I am not scared that I am going crazy and a danger to anyone either.
I am not sure how to merge personalities on my own; however, so far I have let the 4yr old do some journaling and it is weird, slightly disconcerting but makes me want to cry some of the stuff she has written. The mama in me is heartbroken at what she endured. I also don't know how to get anyone to take me seriously. In the last 5-6 years it seems now that I have a mental illness no one believes a thing I say. They have decided I am crazy I guess.
I don't know anyone with this disorder and it seems like they don't diagnose as DID anymore. I guess it is controversial as to whether it is really a disorder or not...*sigh* sorry just really needing to vent and talk to someone.

~AngelsRUs~