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I have felt down most of my life. I am currently dealing with something somewhere between dysthymia and major depression, anxiety, and ADD. I know it may pathetic sounding but I feel like nobody cares about me. I feel as though I just annoy and make people mad at me. I feel like I just want to hide and isolate myself from everyone. Then I won't have to deal with the rejection that seems to follow me throughout my life. I don't believe I am very likeable. My wife keeps acting like she wants to be with me...then she goes back to wanting a divorce. The sad thing is that I haven't gone and gotten one myself. I've let her just string me out on false hope. In addition, people have tended to avoid me. I end up being alone anyway in the end. I'm so tired of trying. I started IMing a couple of women who are experiencing a separation like myself. Obviously I said something wrong or made a bad impression. Obviously they didn't like me. It is true that they may have been away from there computers or some other reason. However, this pattern has repeated itself over and over again.
Why can't I just be someone who has an ounce of charisma? What am I doing wrong? If someone were to ask my soon to be ex wife, she probably point out many things about that are wrong with me. I don't feel important when she doesn't listen to me. She assumes and jumps to conclusions about many things I say. It's like they say, "walking through a minefield. After talking to her tonight, and hearing again she wants a divorce, I just feel like I'm nothing. I feel like I'm not likeable or loveable. The ironic thing is that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy/vicious cycle in which I believe bad things about myself and they happen. However, I try to be positive only to be shunned by people.
I'm 38 years old. I am on disability for depression, anxiety, neuropathic pain, restless legs syndrome, etc. I have a Masters in psychology. I had such high hopes and aspirations about my future. I know ultimately responsible for my emotions and not anybody else. Nobody can force me to feel a certain way. Yet the last six years have been dealing with a company that refuses to accommodate for my disabilities so I could remain employed there. They employed tactics to basically force me to resign or go on disability. My wife has been very critical of many things I do. I can't afford to go see the therapist I have been seeing.
I know life is harder for many people. Yet all I can think about are my petty problems. How selfish is that? I want to be happy again. I want to be able to function well. I may never become a psychologist like I've always dreamed but maybe I will find something else I love. If I remember, there was a woman who was stuck in this world of despair in which her husband (Robin Williams) is trying to free her and bring her back to him. Of course, in addition to the gender difference, she had someone who actually tried to understand her. Is it too much to ask for someone to just like or love me the way I am? Is it too much for me to be allowed to be human? I probably am a toxic and negative person. When people talk to me or are around me I guess they just feel the urge to avoid me. I hate my life.
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