Hi. I'm just checking in. I'm tired, and haven't had a chance to read through all of the posts above, so forgive me. I'll try to come back soon to read through it more carefully.

The stuff that I've written below is a bit more general than specific to your situation Hazel. I want to be sure I'm not misunderstood to say that you need to leave him. I don't know if that's the right answer for you or not. I saw some good points as I glanced through other posts. I guess I just want to say a little bit about abusive relationships in general. I am open to discussion if anybody disagrees. Anybody can also PM me for further discussion.

Abusive relationships tend to follow certain patterns. It is common that everything will seem perfect in the beginning. Then there is a wedding, or the birth of a child, and this major stressor can trigger aggressive acts. It doesn't have to be physical to be abusive. Controlling behavior, like preventing a person from seeing friends or family, or from having a job, or outside contact in general, is a major red flag. There is often a cycle that takes place. I think recent theory has changed a bit, but in general, abuse is often followed by apologies, a period of calmness/happiness, followed by tension then another abusive act. I think I'm simplifying it a bit.

Sometimes over time, it can progress to physical violence, sometimes it doesn't. In my opinion, there is always a need for careful consideration and safety planning before taking action. In general, I would never tell a person to leave an abusive relationship without working with a professional to develop a safety plan, especially without knowing more information.

I also want to say that a lot of families are able to work through these problems, and counseling can help. There are different types of abusive people (3 if I accurately recall, but it's been awhile). I do encourage counseling/therapy, but would recommend individual counseling first, and discussion with professionals to determine if marriage counseling is appropriate at this time.

Also, despite education taking place, victim blaming is still a major problem on many levels. I encourage anybody to listen to their gut if something doesn't feel right. I know I have a problem with rationalizing everything until my intuition is buried under thought and fear. For me, when I can access it, it's usually right.

Take care,
-Sara