Thanks to everybody that helped me with their replies,I think it's lovely that everybody is so willing to open themselves up to help others....we all have to go through things in our lives in order to grow and learn and those things can be so big and frightening especially when it concerns your own mental health. But I really think we are strong enough to deal with them otherwise they wouldn't happen,so they happen because they just do and there is something very important that we learn through this process that we couldn't learn any other way. It's so easy to lose perspective of this when you are in the big black hole of blergh though! I don't mean to sound so flippant,I know my own hell very well indeed,but the less weight I give my own issues,the easier they become to leave behind. That's what I need to do,I don't want them to play such a big part in my life so why do I indulge them so much? Maybe I strive for connection with myself and this is the only way I have learnt to do it,through feeling anxious,terrified and sad. So upon reflection I just need to apply a new learning to myself, learning how to connect to myself via happiness and not sadness and learning how to just accept all feelings that frighten me and just let them pass,if I ignore or suppress certain feelings that I do not want I give them more weight because I give them relevance (through fear)...ramble ramble I love staying up through the night and smoking lots of cigarettes and writing my thoughts. I hope nobody minds me sharing these thoughts and if you do mind then please know my intent was pure and I was just indulging my fingers in the exercise they crave.