All good points. I don't know if I would feel comfortable about getting counseling from a church member though. I am not religious and feel as though I will be judged and persuaded to stay because most religious people don't believe in divorce. That is probably stereotypical but it is what I have been around. We actually got premarital counseling before we got married and the Pastor basically asked why we were getting married. We said because we loved each other and he said we should be fine. He showed us this little diagram thing where we shouldn't talk to each other outside of the lines. Like don't talk to your spouse like a child. Then he left.

I had a journal when I first got into a relationship with him and he said he didn't like it and that I couldn't have one because all I would do is talk bad about him in it. Of course, I said "okay" and stopped keeping one. I tried to start one on a website I found so he wouldn't be able to access it but I couldn't figure out how to save the thing without paying for a subscription to the site. I do like to journal though. It helps me clear my head. I believe if my husband seen this posting alone though he would probably get angry and might even suggest a divorce.

He did grow up in a home of abuse from his mother, step father, and older brother. I told him he should not want his children being raised the way he was. His mother watched my daughter before our son was born and she was acting up when they were driving to her house from somewhere. The woman made my daughter get out of the car and walk beside the car down the dirt road. Is it just me or is that really messed up? I no longer let either one of my children see her. I was also raised in a similar situation. My dad was an alcoholic and went on rages of pulling the phone out of the wall and breaking stuff. My mom and me didn't have the best relationship and was often physically violent with me. My mom stayed with my dad for 20 years until he passed away. They both cheated on each other throughout the relationship.

My husband was an alcoholic and hooked on prescription pills when we first got together and I was able to get him off of them or at least to the ones he was prescribed only. He no longer drinks. Even if I have a glass of wine he refuses one. He is on medication for back pain (construction accident when he was younger), depression, and anxiety. He should be on blood pressure medicine and testosterone but we can't afford them. I am on an antidepressant and asthma medication. I believe the depression is only made worse by me being overweight and inactive and feeling like I am going nuts in my relationship.

I would have to research the PTSD because he has told me once that when he was in the military he accidentally shot and killed one of his best friends in combat training (if I remember correctly). He was active duty but he went mental and AWOL and got dishonorably discharged. He does often times give orders to the children and me like we are in the military. He had another child that he raised for 6 years and then found out that it wasn't his. He carried on a relationship with the boy for a while and then the mother had the boy calling someone else daddy so my husband kind of gave up on spending time with the child. He says that after he has "lost" both of his children, if he losses this one (our son) for any reason, he is going to shoot himself. That he apparently wasn't meant to have kids. Him saying that makes me scared to leave.

I find myself wondering how I got here. How I let this life be okay for me or my children. There are things that he has said and done that I would have never stood for before. He one time told my daughter he was going to knock my daughter's teeth down her throat. I got angry and told him to never say stuff like that again. He said he wasn't really going to do it, he was just trying to scare her. He says the children should be scared of him so they will listen. He says things similar to that now but for some reason I let them slide and I know it is not okay.

He said that he is not getting a second job because his job is more important than mine. He said that if he falls asleep at work he will hurt someone (he is a grader operator) but if I fall asleep nothing will happen (I am an assistant secretary). We both work 4, 10 hour days while our children sit in daycare the whole time. I handle the finances but he spends the money. He will go to the store to get one thing and come home with twelve. He doesn't care if I spend money but I don't because I would rather use it to pay a bill. We are behind in our mortgage, electric bill, water bill, and our children's health insurance. We let our car go back because we couldn't afford it anymore. The babysitter our children were going to hit our son so we had to move them and the cost went up by $500.00 a month. We have no savings and if I do tell him I have money he figures out how to spend it so I have started to hide it from him. Don't get me wrong I give into his spending. He will want something and if I tell him no we don't have the money he gets mad at me and throws a fit so I end up letting him get it. When we don't have enough money for bills I say screw it...he gets what he wants so I might as well go by myself a magazine or a bottle of nail polish. When we first got together we used to spend money like crazy. That is one of the things we enjoyed doing together. Shopping. When we bought a house and had another child to take care of I tried to get serious about things but he doesn't seem to be one the same page. I have tried sitting down and showing him the bills we have to pay and how much money we make and he says he is going to strap down but then he falls off the wagon.

Every time I try to tell him how I feel or why I am mad, he gets upset and somehow twists things around to make me feel like I am wrong for being upset or that I am overreacting or that it is my fault.

I feel like maybe my marriage isn't worth saving but then I think that maybe if I just hang in there and try to get us help for everything he will change. What if I shouldn't give up on him?