Today at work ( my job for now is a cashier at a mini-market) i got a fake bill....i almost recognized it but there was a long line of people and i knew that if i am not fast enough i assume i will get thrown out ( i really need money) well - after i was sent to do something else the manager sat at the cash and asked "who accepted this bill? how do you check a bill?"

Now i am really afraid to go back...well actually its mot of a "general worker" that means i go to the storeroom and more...so today i wasn`t much with the cahs - the director - because i and new and realtively slow - told a girl to be there instead of me but the girl didn`t listen.

I felt os depressed bad guilty and fearful and humiliated that it slowed down my work...PTSD got somewhat triggered and more..like ...my self hate and humiliation and all that in my head "you are stupid" got triggered again. Like i am so used to .

It was really crap. Something TOLD me that this wasn`t the right bill....but i was afraid of the woman. CRAP why lessons have to be learned that way?

I hate this feeling of humiliation and desire to just disappear. To not be on the earth. Stupid me! ugh! a lesson learned to be tough with the customers. Now how the heck am i going to be both checking those bills careful AND fast enough?? DANG i SO MUCH don`t want to be thrown out!

WTF does life want to prove me i am a squirt!?