Well this is the first time I have wanted to start a thread.

I have really been at a point where I have stopped and taken a real look at my life so far as a whole.

I have this mood that doesn't seem to change and it has been one of my goals to change it. Well, the more I see, the more I see and the more I get frustrated.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I have been working on trying to understand this diagnosis. And I have learned all the lingo that goes along with this diagnosis. Oh let me see, my discovery so far has been that of understanding that all these so called tramatic things that I have lived through some how all got stuck together with one big event that truely effected all that I had done to get beyond all the miserable or unfair history that I had lived through. And with that I experienced Flashbacks, shock, lack of sleep, confusion, triggers, terrible anxiety, some type of depression that seems to come and go and a loss of direction and ability to continue doing things that I used to enjoy. And there is a lot of anger about trying to understand it and dealing with it and even explaining it to others. And I have stopped to figure out why this did happen and why I am having so much trouble with it. So there is a great deal of FRUSTRATION that comes from all this history and how it all came together to this disabling feeling. I could write a book that entails CSA, dealing with an Alcoholic husband, infedelity, among some things I managed to climb through.

Now I just spent this weekend living around the fact that I have neighbors that are so unpredictable that I now have to stay home every July 4 holiday and make sure that I am not somehow effected by whatever it is they seem to need to do that may affect my horses and ponies. And I deeply resent those feelings and I wonder if I am somehow projecting due to what I have already suffered due to their lack of respect no matter what I try to do. And I think about how so far since they have moved in I have repeatedly had to address their need to contain their dogs and understand the boundaries of my property and all the different ways I have used everything I can think of to maintain that boundary which includes calling the police and dog warden etc.

Well, though I tried every way I could think of, I have continued to pay for all their neglect to respect the boundaries I have set and are also clearly marked by cement boundary markers. I have had to address so much damage due to their negligence that my life now is all about just that. I have lost so much, animals, business, disrupted my family, along with my own sense of mental balance. And my financial position is of trying to continue to pay on the extreme debt that has accumulated as a direct result from damage caused by my neighbor's negligence.

I have been in a psychward, not very nice. I have tried to get therapy, and that tossed me around financially and psychologically and I am in a lawsuit with an aging attorney that cant remember and even though I have tried to address that I am told that no other attorney wants to take on a case that is so far along. Everyone I contact knows my once very successful attorney. And even though I clearly see my attorney's forgetfulness as I show up for an appointment that he cannot remember making and why he made it. Now two cancelled depositions which he never informed me were on that schedule of his until he cancels them, oh, and he just assumed I knew. And when I do address this it somehow is my imagination. No one wants to hear it or address it or believe it and it is apparant to me that that too is all in my lap. I have to say that I do not know what to do. I suppose I could meet with him and discuss it, but will he recognise it honestly, or will he even remember discussing it?
I know is I don't do something I will be paying for all of this for the rest of my existance. Or it may, infact, be the cause of some real physical breakdown due to the ongoing stress of it. But I am trying to remain calm, I just don't know what to do yet.

Fourth of July Weekend.
So I try to make the best of my weekend inspite of all this. I didn't really enjoy myself this weekend, I just wanted to get through it. My husband doesn't really want to talk about it and last night we decided to just order Chinese and take it easy. I reminded my husband that when he orders the Chinese dinner to make sure they dont load it up with celery as they always do, and I repeated that three or four times. When he left to go pick it up I reminded him again. He brings home the bag with the meals in it and I open the bag to pull out my dinner and it is loaded with mostly celery. I try to eat it and my husband wants to now ignore it and I am angry, but trying not to let it bother me. I am mad and I call the chinese restaurant and complain. They deny there is any celery as I am staring at the dinner loaded with celery. I did want to get in my car and take the dinner and throw it in their face. But I didn't, usually I would make it a point, but I didn't. But I do have it in my fridge, I may go and do it today. I do want to add that this weekend entailed that my neighbors had their clan over and shot off fireworks on Saturday night, the 2nd of July. I had my horses out not expecting that they would do that, ofcourse, and I could not do anything but stroll around my horses/ponies while they were very upset about the loud fireworks going off right next to them. I couldn't put them all in because I could not predict when the next fireworks would go off and it would have been too dangerous to handle them in that atmosphere. I also got up the next morning to animals that were still shaken up.
I went to put them in because there was rain storms coming. As I went to get them I noticed softball sized rocks in some of the paddocks that had somehow gotten there during the night while I had finally gone to bed an slept. It did give a meaning to a stones throw away. And I already knew it would have been pointless to call the police as the neighbor just denies anything occured and that I am just a crazy lady again imagining things. Been there done that.

I get up this morning and rush around to make a scheduled appointment with my T. I didn't want to have a morning appointment as mornings are hard for me with all the work and I am somewhat hung over from my meds that help me sleep. I did talk about this in our last meeting but because it was the only appointment he had this week I agreed to make the extra effort to make it.

This morning I get up and push myself to make the attempt I fight through traffic and get to my T's. It is very quiet and no T. I wait for about 1/2 hour and finally knock on his door and he answers telling me he forgot my appointment and was in with someone else. Now I am suppose to smile and kindly accept his appology for forgetting while I just spent my morning running around and a fight through traffic and wasted gas, not his problem MINE. And it actually lends to me feeling that I am just not important enough for him to remember either am I?

Now I realize that I have to do the work to getting better. But why on earth do I have to continue to do everyone elses work too? I am beginning to wonder if anyone, anywhere, can really do their job.

So, just thought I would share the fact that I am still very frustrated.

Open Eyes