Life growing up was hard for me. Every caregiver I had was abusive in at least one way or another if not in several ways. I was abused physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually and even religiously (if that is even a type of abuse). I was a pretty resilient kid and I excelled at school. School was my escape and it was there I got some of the attention and love I so desperately needed.
I have a lot of missing memories from childhood; however, I have several memories of abuse throughout childhood. In some ways this bothers me and in others I am glad. I do not deal well with this sort of thing and I tend to relive those things later.
I thought I had turned out pretty good despite my childhood. Even a psychiatrist I saw at 14 and 16 thought I was doing great as well, especially considering my past history of abuse. However, there was a counselor at 16 that mentioned that she thought I might have MPD....I thought she was wacked at the time.
So years later, age 35 here I am and I am wondering if she wasn't right. Since I was 30 my life has gotten complicated to say the least. I have always had these voices inside my head...however, they are more like thoughts than voices except that I recognize that these thoughts are not my own. Over the years, I typically just ignored them as I thought I just needed to take captive every thought and discard certain ones.
In 2005, my life became super stressful and filled with all kinds of abuse yet again. A year later I got sick. They said it was psychosis and that I was bipolar. I accepted it at the time and read all I could about the disorder; however, it didn't click. Even friends said I did not seem bipolar. Worse was I tried telling them that during the supposed "psychosis" I felt like I was dreaming while awake. That I remembered everything but it was like I was trapped in my mind and not in control (kind of like the John Malkovich movie). They of course ignored me.
I recently got sick for the 4th time. This time was a bit strange. Again I felt like I was dreaming while awake. Again I was not in control. However, I noticed that I went from being 4yrs old to a teenager and then back to my present age. Later I even turned into my biological father, my mother, and oddly enough my great-grandmother. Despite bipolar meds I got sick again overnight. I am convinced that this is DID not bipolar. I also have PTSD which is what seems to trigger this dissociation. There is no sign for weeks or months on end of me getting sick. Trauma or stress or abuse occurs and I have high anxiety that I can't sleep and then bam, I start going though these personalities.
The 4yr old causes the most fuss with her magical thinking, believing in miracles and super heroes. However, a teenage personality and the one that acts like my mother's good side deny marriage to my husband causing others to decide I am completely wacked! When the 4yr old comes out it seems like all of them start clamoring and vying for control.
I never realized it before but I do have personality changes and I am fully aware of them even though not in control of them. I never thought anything of it as it is normal for me. However, now it is getting a bit freaky to me and I want to be in control of this disorder. I have heard you can merge the personalities somehow....and how do I keep from making more personalities? I have a brand new one that is my husband and he is abusive. His personality was scary as it held my host personality hostage by threatening to kill me and had and invisable knife to my throat....it was weird cause I could feel the knife but I knew there wasn't one there at all.
Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? Am I seriously going crazy or is this DID/MPD....
I have been trying the past week to not let go....I can feel this feeling of being pushed back like I am falling asleep or sinking further into myself and becoming the watcher not the doer...so I have been trying to not lose control but I don't know how.....I have been on the brink for a week...so far I am not on the anxiety meds I need for this...still on bipolar meds which aren't doing a dang thing. Hoping I can get this new psychiatrist to listen.

Thanks for Listening~

~AngelsRUs~