|
Jul 05, 2011, 03:03 PM
|
 |
|
|
Member Since: May 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 1,309
|
|
...Until I asked the mental health team for their help.
5 days, 3 phone calls and 3 times I've been shunned by them. After telling them I'm suicidal and honestly don't know if I can keep myself safe anymore, they just say "Okay, well keep yourself safe and take care of yourself, bye!"
So now I'm sat here after being shunned for the 3rd time and all that's running through my head is 'OD. OD, OD, go on just flippin' OD!!!'
It's been almost a year since I last self harmed or attempted suicide. I has been a bloody hard year filled with happiness, love and care, but then more fighting, more trying, more pushing to get better and failing. Now I'm stuck with having to give my partner my razor half way through shaving because I have a sudden impulse to self harm and I know that if I do NOT get rid of that blade right away, I will act on it. I'm stuck having to write this instead of giving in to the impulse to overdose. I'm stuck with worrying about money and my future, worrying about whether I'll ever get out of this hell, worrying whether my depression will cause me to lose the Man I love with all my heart.
I'm sat here listening to Pink's F**kin' Perfect and all I can think when I watch that video and listen to those lyrics is 'That's me. Over and over, that's me. My thoughts, my actions, my emotions.'
Today all I feel like doing is just giving up on everything. I feel so lost and like no-one's here to help me, like they just don't WANT to help me or be there. I just want someone who gets it, who knows how it feels.
Jeez, yesterday was the 19 year anniversary of my Dad committing suicide. And only one person was there for me when I needed to talk about it. ONE person. I had the worst day ever yesterday and it's hit me tonight, making me want to go the same way he did.
Eurgh. Why is this so hard?!?!?! WHY!!!! I WANT to get better. I WANT to be happy, I WANT to be the person I always strive to be, so why can't I? Why won't anything or anyone ALLOW me to? 
Just please, someone tell me, honestly. Will I ever make it? 
|