after so many nights lying awake in the dark crying i finally slept. . .and when at first i opened my eyes i thought maybe today would be a good day. why can i not find peace? panic and fear first thing in the morning. i feel like i have no control in my life. my choices mean nothing, life just happens and pushes me down and it doesnt matter what i want or try or think or feel i never seem to have control. or peace. and i wonder whats the point. why fight when life hands you what it does regardless of what you want. i cant make sense of anything. last night i came home from the place i hate the most and felt so paranoid and realized theres no escape from things past. i dont know anything anymore. if this is only the morning i wonder what the rest of the day will be. want to crawl under the covers and sleep but i dont have that choice. just wish i could have one day of peace.