
Jul 05, 2011, 10:35 PM
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Member Since: Apr 2011
Location: Io. Near Jupiter
Posts: 1,034
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I have been Depressed since i was born i think. I'm not sure but if any whom reads this and visits the post i wrote in 'grief and loss' in the forums, you will see why it's been with me my whole life.
Its OK though, being depressed; its something i've become used too. I think i was happiest when i was in my mothers womb. Asleep and floating in amniotic fluid. Waking now and again to strech out (which is often mistaken for a kick to pregnant women), i do wish that phrase would be changed to 'oh, my baby just streched; instead of my baby just kicked. Ah well, i dont come up with these phrases.
When i was born, i was born kicking and screaming (just like shakespear said), into this world. I'm sure my screaming as a baby was 'put me back in, put me back in. Alas not to be. Again thats OK though, i like being alive and living an adventure called life.
I am i no rush to go anywhere, in fact i want to live forever.
Depression started when i first felt an emotional pain, it was worse than being burned by fire for the first time or being struck by a needle in sewing class in home economics. It was a pain that i knew i could not get rid of, unlike fire or a needle prick; i knew i could not just run cold water over it or put a band aid on.
Its been with me all my life now, so guess i would be classes as mentaly depressed. Again thats fine by me, "what am i going to do", demand to be back inside my mothers womb". No, i just have to accept depression.
I am a male, 40yrs old and alone. When i leave my home i dont wear make up but i have my psychological make up on. Make up for all events and eventualities. I have to put this 'smile' on like make up, out side i'm fine, inside i'm screaming at the top of my voice at the world i drown in.
I am shouting 'wake up, wake up', at the people that i meet. Pathetic petty politics going on all the time, fighting, robbing, killing, wars, famine, starvation. People suffering in ways I cannot imagine, and in ways others in my life cannot imagine, i just want to scream; but i just smile.
Given the choice, maybe i would chose a life forever inside my mothers womb, but then again, knowing what i know now, i would chose to be right here right now.
Being depressed is like to me, something i cannot put my finger on. I am happy some of the time, then very very unhappy some of the time. I feel like a yo-yo inside a washing machine thats being emptied and filled up with dirty washing over over and over again, then emptied with the clean washing. Its weird, its a fact, its something i am now used to.
How do i deal with this, i have no idea. Some very very strange events have happened to me. I have SI/SH'd, i have attempted sui once, but it was a boched job and i'm glad for that. I am seeing a T, i am seeing (when i can because he is a busy man), a priest. I am doing everything in my power to get help and at the same time, and then; not doing everything in my power to get help. I lucid dream and they are proper strange, just normal everyday lucid dreaming; i am not stupid either. I am able to judge or track where a dream comes from, But; woh, i cannot explain away what i know and have seen, using psychology or philosophy or some book i read, or film i saw, or some music i listened to.
I am dealing with my horror of what i have become through being depressed, (nothing sinister), just at the confusion of life and where i fit into it all.
My being depressed to me is normal now, i have stopped si/sh'ing since i found PC, my depression is something else, I Still Want To Scream At The World, while inside i place on my psychological make up and smile. Its a thing. Its a fcked up thing (sorry for the french).
Dealing with it, i just have to, what else can i do.
I hope that PC can help me, in ways my T or Priest cannot.
I say to my T before we talk about depression lets define it first (and i dont mean the meaning from a book or dictionary).
If anyone can define it to me in a clear way i would be happy.
I think this forum may help, lets see.

__________________
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement .
But the opposite of profound truth maybe another profound truth.
(Niels Bohr) Nobel Prize Winner for Physics.
The universe started with an 'E'.
The universe will end with a 'K'.
(lyrics Acid House)
Its the truth even if it did not happen.
(Ken Kesey) One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.
Real science can be far stranger than science fiction and much more satisfying.
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