The pain does get better as you begin to process it and understand yourself and the relationship better. My stepmother became severely senile (I went back into therapy because of problems that caused me) before her death and we had never quite understood one another most of our lives together. I only began to understand when it was too late.

I help myself some with the pain of difficult illnesses, partings, and deaths by realizing that most of my pain is literally my pain and imagination as to what I think the other person is feeling or going through or what I wished I had said or done, etc. and my judgment of myself is not necessarily "fair" or "correct". You know how when you are physically sick and you are just concentrated on how you feel and wanting to sleep and get away from not feeling well, etc.? Well, that's how it is for other people too; think about when you feel at your worst and know other people aren't thinking about you and how lousy a daughter you are or wishing for anything but the pain to stop? Your father shut himself in his room because that's what he felt was most comfortable for him at that time. Your father was sick, in body and spirit. He could not keep drinking; I doubt that he stopped because someone/your mother "made" him, he was probably already physically very sick and drinking made him feel worse. Now that I am 60/getting older, I am only beginning to understand about physical limitations and aches and pains, etc. (hence, why I'm up at 3:30 a.m.) and able to compare chunks of my early life with now. I was never an alcoholic but could certainly drink a lot when I was young and now cannot drink very much at all, even were I to want to, because it does not feel good! I'm not talking hangover, I'm talking immediately/while drinking.

You have to have compassion for yourself too; your father locked himself away from you, you want your Daddy! It does not follow that you were bad that he went away or that you should have done more, etc. If you had been "able" to go into his room and help him, you would have. But everyone has limits. My stepmother was ill in the same hospital wing that my mother died in and I had a heck of a time visiting her, only did once because of extreme pressure from my stepfamily. However, I do not hold that against myself. I did the best I could with me and my circumstances at the time!