Hiya Nighthawk,
I just wanted to let you know that it's not weird or wrong to wish you had something wrong with you, perhaps something to explain the symptoms you're feeling, or just something specific so you know how to deal with it. I have severe depression that is recurrent and treatment resistant. There have been times in the past that I wished I was bipolar so I could at least experience some "good" times as that's how I used to perceive mania. But I have to be careful what I wish for because mania is no walk in the park. I no longer wish anything on myself, especially mental disorders.
Welcome to PC by the way.
Love and hugs,
Tara
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