I'm really sorry that your parents are so messed up that they do not give you the genuine love that they should and that you deserve, that every child deserves from parents.

It might feel like it's your fault, but it isn't. They are at fault, not you. You do not deserve the way they treat you, the way they speak to you.

And, you did not make them speak to you thus. They made their own choice, out of their own messedupness. Their choices, their responsibility.

***

A young child often blames herself because it is too hard, too dangerous for the child to understand that her parents are doing bad things. That is often how the habit of self-blame begins in a child, the insidious habit of listening in your mind to their verbal abuse.

A child might keep going back to them in the hopes of finally getting their approval. The child might believe that if she can finally get their approval, then she can stop believing that she herself is bad; she can stop blaming herself.

However: remember that you cannot change them, you can't change their messedupness. Only they can change themselves. You can only make your own choices, to do what is best and safest for you. Like you did when you posted about visiting over Christmas. You did a good job on that visit!