Hi Blades,

Oh your story is so sad, a true love story. And you were very young when that happened, there was no way to understand or deal with that kind of loss. And it is no wonder you feel lost and depressed. You do have PTSD and that encompasses may emotions, all the emotions that you are describing. The depression is partly anger turned inward but also a deep loss of direction and meaning in your life.

And it sounds like you never really had a good therapist to help you work through all of these emotions and find ways to morn and understand that it really had nothing to do with you, it was an awful accident, no one is to blame. There are no drugs that can replace therapy and you have realized that you cannot run away either. No, you are going to have to learn how to heal and find strength and as you do that you will be better able to express those emotions that you have buried inside you and let them out.

One of the qualities that I do see is your ability to feel deep devotion and love for others. Though you may see it as a weekness it is a good quality to bring to a relationship. And Racheal was right, she called out your special quality and that it was very special. Within the ability to feel that depth of love for another human being also lies the down side of extreme grief when someone is lost or hurt. And that is why you like to write music and you could be a very good writer as you can tap on those deep feelings in finding ways to express them within a beautiful poem or story or words to a song. And the block is only a reflection of your sense of loss for direction and that doesn't mean the ability to express feelings and emotion are lost.

And that is not lost in you either Blades. One of my favorite artists is Elton John.
He didn't write the words to his music but once they were written he could express them to the depth of them with each effort to sing them. One of my favorites is about Marylynn Monroe.

You have a whole life ahead of you yet Blade, your still so young. And believe it or not there may be one young lady out there that you may love even more than the love you have experienced in the past. I know it sounds unlikely but you may be very surprised at what you may find in life. And don't worry about not having the experience sexually, if you find the right woman you will learn from her how to be intimate and she will appreciate that even more.

You need to spend time in therapy and work on rebuilding your inner core. As you begin to do that the writting will come. You have to work on yourself and that inner core has to be restored as it was very injured when you were only just discovering that core. But it is not destroyed Blades, it is still there waiting to be repaired. In that repair you will be better equipped to again offer that wonderful part of you to yet another woman who is somewhere waiting for someone like you. And when that happens you will write about that too.

Open Eyes