Hello, Sanada!
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If anyone can define it [depression] to me in a clear way i would be happy.
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I cannot say I have suffered depression since birth. Depression has been with me for years, though, and I still struggle for a vocabulary to describe my experience to myself and others.
To greatly oversimplify, for me depression manifests not so much as emotional sadness but as a disease of the will, a severely decayed capacity for self-mobilization.
Sanada, how much of what you are currently experiencing is long-term depression versus grieving for your lost relationship? Perhaps it's not possible to disentangle them.
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My dog
mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.