Oh, Phoenix, HUGS. It breaks my heart to hear that you are doing this to such a lovely person.
I do find that I attract men like my abusers and I am working to change that. I have learned not to date for now because when there is mutual attraction it's usually not healthy.
Just curious, in the cycle of violence there is a "tension building" stage just before the abuse. Many survivors I know would do something to bring on the abuse when they felt the tension building stage so that they could at least feel control over when the abuse happened. My son (adopted from foster care) will often try to blow things up if he feels tension in the house even though he has been with me and safe for 4 yrs now. I am wondering if maybe when you trigger it feels the same as that tension building stage from the abuse? I know when I used to trigger it did feel very much like I was going to be hurt. Could you be trying to get the anxiety of the trigger to stop? Dunno, could be totally off base it was just what came to mind when I read your post.
Anyway... Safe HUGS