Hi Blades

As a guy who only started dating properly in my mid to late twenties I know the pain of the sadness and isolation you feel now. I also endured grinding depression for years from other causes while burying my head in books. I was an emotional zombie on the surface to others and offputting to women. You're not at alone in this and can indeed triumph over this adversity.

I realise that you also feel that frustrating sense of anguish from perpetually unmet desires for sex with a woman on a deeper level but that has to come later.

The paradox in seeking love and romantic companionship is that you need to love yourself first before another can love you. We all need company to some extent regardless but to find joy and happiness in another you must first have it within yourself so you can provide it to them too. In a sense you need to become 'stronger'. One after all cannot base their entire happiness on another being. For the 'interdependence' of love and a relationship the two must first be able to stand independently.

And it is very possible, in fact inevitable, if you can find that ability to push forward. But just like the ladies have said above, you need to heal within first and grow. It's a vague phrase because how each one does this is different. That can however mean confronting your trauma's, your inner emotional ghosts that torture you and finding your self worth as a man - not 'man' like in the testosterone aggro machismo of getting into barfights and sexist treatment of women - but as in your genuine confidence, warmth and feelings of self worth and self ease that make you proud to be a person.

Yes, this is something I also had to do too and it was indeed hard and very painful. But nothing worthwhile comes easy. You will also likely have to try interact with a number of women along the way to learn (but please notice - not try sleep with all of them as a 'pick up artist' mentality would).

I can also see the intensity within you through your writing here. Writing that is still a bit rough but already good and beyond the capability of many others. It can indeed grow and lead you to eventually becoming a writer but besides that, it's that intensity which can become the source of a wider drive and ambition for you.

I can't give you all the answers down pat as I don't know you personally, circumstances and people differ, meanings take a while to sink in for us and I'm not psychologist of any sort. You also need to discover some things your own way to 'claim them as yours' in a sense. But you do have what it takes to take the many small steps forward slowly as both healing and growing is like turning an enormous dial you can only turn a notch at a time. Indeed, one experience and one lesson at a time.

It's also critical that you seek out precious people first over women and not be afraid of therapy - it's important for turning that dial. Don't be hard on yourself either if you make mistakes and don't worry about trying to be perfect.

I suspect it may also seem unfair to be here because of what you've had to endure and where you've been left when others seem to be so much more fortunate. Yet you can become more than those others in the end.

Just never let go of your values. They're the bedrock of the courage you need to push through the fear of confronting the unknown in order to grow.