Thanks people - it does feel good to get support, even if it is online!

I have thought about moving out and getting my own place, but I think it would have to be a council flat or house, and it is a scary thought of living on a council estate on my own without even a dog, because some of them are rough and have gangs of kids hanging around them, etc. I've also thought of staying with my relatives, but both my aunt and my cousin live in separate house literally doors away is all, which is both good and bad: good that if I did decide to stay there, they are close to home; and bad that if I did stay there, my dad would probably come to drag me back lol. No, he would let me stay away, at least for a while... but he would disapprove of it a little... and he would probably think me 'weak'. If I stayed with my aunt, I couldn't stay there long, her house is too cluttered and there is nowhere for me to sleep other than on a camp bed downstairs, and being with her constantly 24/7 would wear me down, she is similar to my dad in ways, since she is his sister. I could stay with my cousin but, to be honest, I would feel i were intruding on her and shouldn't be there, since she's in debt and hasn't got much money.

So I'm not sure what to do. I know that living here is not improving anything for me, but I'm nervous and uncertain about making any move towards independence too. I know I am dependent on my dad; he's encouraged it over the years and I of course have liked it because I love him; but now he seems to discourage me from being independent but seems to want me to be more independent too. I know wanting approval is not important but having his approval feels necessary for me and any move I make towards getting any kind of help for myself - whether it be counselling, finding somewhere else to live, getting a job, joining a club - will be met with resistance and disapproval and when he disapproves of things, he makes things unpleasant for me, mainly how he's been treating me for the past couple of weeks.

In some ways he contradicts himself, because when I was still at university he wrote an email to me saying that if I was unhappy there, perhaps I should come home after all. However, now I have arrived home (unrelated to reading the email - I'd already decided to leave before reading it) it's as though my happiness doesn't matter, as though university is everything. It's not as though I have *nothing* - I have good A-levels and GCSEs. I suppose I must be shaming him. He can no longer say he has a daughter going to a good university. He tells me he can't believe I'm showing so little concern for what I've done, but frankly I'm relieved to have got away from academic pressure for ever. But still, being told that I'm stupid and can't do anything, etc, makes me question myself and my abilities, and when I think about it, I really *don't* have any worthwhile skills, except that I can do calligraphy, and that isn't much use to anybody.