Thanks for all the comments. I don't want to give up. I'd love to get married to an amazing woman like Jessica or Rachel one day and have kids. I love kids and have always wanted a daughter. The past eight years of my life have been an absolute hell and I want to change that. I want to go on adventures and do crazy things and I just want somebody I can do it with. I thought I lost myself but when I met Rachel it changed and for a while it was like I was really ‘me’ again and I hadn’t felt so happy in a long time. I loved her and she said she loved me but not in the way I really wanted her to because she was a lesbian. She was an incredible woman and she also told me if she had met me a few years before she might never have become a lesbian.

Since losing her I seem to be falling apart again but I’m hanging on this time because I want to make something of myself and I want people to be proud of me. I like making people laugh and getting them to do crazy things they’ve never done before. I want to live life to the fullest and I don’t want others make the same mistakes as me. I have a darkness inside me that is not always easy to control but I believe the good inside me outweighs the bad. I know I have some low self esteems issues too but I am trying to deal with them because I want to get my life back on track.

Every time I get close to a woman these days it is like there is a voice inside me telling me they wouldn't want me after everything that’s happened. I guess what I am looking for is true love which some people might say doesn't exist in this modern age but I believe it does. I had it with Jessica and I felt it every time I held her in my arms and every time we kissed. I was pretty much the class clown when I was at school and that's what Jessica loved about me. She was incredibly beautiful and we always spent so much time together. We were together every day and would sleep over each other’s houses. When I lost Jessica I think I also lost a part of myself which I need to get back again.