I have a volunteer come to my home once a month just to sit and chat. The whole idea is to bring hope, some happiness, fun and just another human being to chat with.

This one visitor has been coming for a year now. Last evening and for the last three sessions, after she has left, I noticed a change in mood to irritability. I also noticed that I was having a difficult time, towards the end of the meeting thinking straight and that is an indication to me I am ungrounded.

So, here is my laundry list and was thinking today that I should ask for either a break from her or to ask her not to come back. I'm just not sure if this is due to a mood shift and I should wait awhile. I just know I have a terrible time keeping myself grounded during our visits.

I had to take Seroquel last night to calm me down.

1. Out of the blue she asked me yesterday if my security alarm is still active.

2. I had moved one piece of furniture in my living room and she made a big deal over this, commenting that every time she comes, I have moved something.

3. I hear all about her friends, family, other volunteer jobs and rarely do I get an opportunity to talk about me. She natters on and on without a pause for me to even interject anything and she looks off in the distance and not directly at me when she talks.

4. I was storing my cat carriers behind the TV stand, and I do have towels in them for my cat to sleep in there (it's so he knows his cat carrier is safe). I was leaving the room for something and caught her jumping up, racing over to look behind the TV stand in my absence and then darted back when I re-entered the room.

5. She asks me specific questions about my disabilities, who are my doctors and their names, Section 8, what I pay for rent, when my lease is up.

4. When I was fostering two kittens, she asked if I was going to have to pay extra deposits and monthly rent fees for the two kittens, because she knew I was paying all this extra money for my cat. She said it was a good thing that I found homes otherwise I would be subject to these fees.

5. When I talk to her about my hardships - with the local food banks, feeling isolated, depression, she says nothing and quickly changes the subject back to her.

6. I use half of my bedroom for storage, so I have alot of large plastic tubs there that go to the ceiling (I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment, with no storage). When she saw this, she gasped and made a loud groan. Two days later I was having a home inspection by the county for possible hoarding. When the inspector saw my plastic tubs, he had to laugh over this misunderstanding. Of course I knew who had reported me. Since I am on Section 8 I have to be very careful with everything, as I don't want to be kicked out of the program.

7. Now before she comes, I look around my home to make sure there is no dust (saw her once running her finger over the top of a dresser), everything is vacuumed, the pillows are plumped and straight, making sure I have not changed anything around since her last visit and if I did, I make sure to put it all back. She has commented twice in the past about my moving my furniture and I informed her it has been that way for the last two times we met and she got adamant with me that I was wrong. Meeting with her is causing me more anxiety and I'm wondering if this is all worth it.

This is my second visitor in two years. The first one would sit and cry the entire hour over issues with her mother.

Sigh...

I'm worried I'm going to switch into a part and embarass myself

Thank you for reading this.