Hi. I normally avoid this forum. Some of you wouldn't believe it, because I do so much better online than I do IRL, but I'm not good at relationships. I freak out when people get too close.

Okay, one root of my problems is that I got married and had kids when I had no business doing that because I can't handle close relationships. That was almost 16 years ago. I'm still married, and I have three kids, ages 8-14. I'm starting to do a little better with the kids. But I wish that I could have had some independence and that I could have learned how to be myself, and I don't have enough space to do that. I don't like being home. My husband tells me that I like my friends on PC, my jobs, my animals, and everyone more than I like him. Well, none of them yell at me or are so demanding, or make me feel so guilty because he gives me everything and I give nothing back. I have nothing to give back. He says that's a lie, because I show caring for my online friends, and spend all of my time here, and come here to get support, but I don't with him. He's probably right, and I feel awful about it, and I shouldn't have strung him along for all these years, but I'm scared of what he would do if I came out and said that I don't want to be married. I don't want to hurt him like that. It seems so irresponsible. But what's the point in being committed to marriage, but not in love. I've never been in love. I've just been dependent, and I don't want to be dependent anymore. But I'm not what he needs.

Reminds me of that Dolly Parton song, that Whitney Houston redid. 'I will always love you.' It's such a sad song because she loves the guy and she leaves because she knows it's best for him. But I don't know if I love him enough to do that. I'm too scared. And I don't know if that's what is best. And I couldn't support myself either, and we couldn't afford separate households. And what about the kids.

T told me not to make any decisions yet, because I don't even understand why it's this way. I've felt like my life is just a mess, and I've felt like that for as long as I can remember, and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm trying to learn how to tolerate close relationships, but I'm not learning fast enough. I don't give him enough. I'm so selfish.

My grandmother died and I can't afford to fly to California for the funeral. I can't really afford the time off from work even, but if I don't go, I won't feel it, and I'll regret it, and I do want to support my mother. I haven't had a real connection with my family of origin, and I've been trying to work on that too. I don't have real connections with anybody, except maybe some online friends. My husband offered to drive me to the funeral. I've never driven that far by myself and it's scary, but the independence would be good too. I'm also scared that if he went, he would lecture me a lot while I'm a captive audience in the car. He's hurt that I might not want him to go, and I got another lecture, about all of the above.

He's not bad. I am. It's all my fault. He gives me everything. He gives me too much. I can't give him what he needs.

Rap