Hazel: it was very difficult for me to leave my ex - I know how unbearably confusing it feels. And I'm afraid I DO have a VERY strong set of opinions about your situation, so PLEASE try to see them only as my opinions. You need to take the time that you need to figure out what's best for you.

My ex had problems that manifested themselves completely differently from how your husband manifests his - but they were equally deep and equally as serious. I thought it was my job to reveal them and fix them. What's more, I had an ENORMOUS set of my own problems that complicated EVERYTHING, and giving everything I had and doing everything in my power to work on fixing his problems was a way for me to feel strong and worthwhile. I don't think I would have been able to HEAR a person if he or she told me at the time that what I was trying to do was inappropriate and ineffective. I was so driven by societal messages to be a "good person" and a "good wife" that I just don't think it would have computed for me if someone told me I should leave - like LEAVING was the RIGHT thing to do! In our case, and I do believe in most cases - especially when a situation is this volatile - AUGH - i don't know - I learned a LOT about this when I was taking classes in Social Services - my classmates and instructors kept telling me not to "expect miracles", and said so many things that I STILL have trouble computing in my head - but it boils down to the fact that people need to take on their own healing process - no one can do it for them. Having spent a lot of time in school under the influence of nuns, it really is very hard for me to see - when it comes to helping other people. I feel a very deep need to help people - and I was REALLY surprised (and initially very insulted) when they stated that therapists have to "back off" because they don't realize that they're helping people for their own ego's sake. I think it's a very harsh statement, but when I let myself look at it, it's really true. And the alternative is unfortunately a very lonely road - which is why it was very hard for me to take it - but when I look back at the situation, he couldn't POSSIBLY be responsible for untangling my problems (given their magnitude and complexity), ESPECIALLY when he was working SO hard to deny his own! (ha ha). But it isn't funny - we both tried very very hard to love one another, and to help one another, and it was simply impossible, and the heartbreak was nearly unbearable at first. And now that it's been five years, I have nothing but clarity about the impossible nature of what we were trying to accomplish - and SUCH RELIEF that we stopped trying! This message is obviously in no way balanced - I'm sorry - I'm in full agreement with all the parts of everyone's posts that mention your daughter and YOU - YOUR self esteem. Just because a man has problems - he can't take them out on you. He can't. It's not okay. And I can see now how - okay - HERE'S a piece of objectivity: I can see how I affected my ex with my rage - I couldn't see it then, but it wasn't okay for me to take it out on him. I've needed to be alone for a VERY long time - five years, as I've said - to be sure I don't do that to another man - and I might never be healed enough to be married again - and after an enormous amount of VERY thorough soul-searching (such a luxury, really - the time I've spent alone these past five years) I'm okay with that. Once in a while it gets lonely, but not very often. And most divorce experts will tell you that you really need to look at yourself before you get involved with another spouse - they've come up with a formula - take a year alone for every four years you were married - that's how much stuff there is inside of all of us to look at and straighten out before we're really ready to be married. I agree with that formula 100%. You're in a VERY difficult situation, and I do think you've got a lot of good support here. Great work reaching out! It's VERY hard to admit you need it when it comes to marriage - we have SO much invested in our marriages!