((((((SoupDragon)))))))&(((((((((Millie))))))))))----I have had to sit with my precious dogs and watch them go; some, I had taken to the vet and had put down whilst I held them.
There was a cat I had when I was about ten...I held her as she passed of distemper.
Then there were the two Rottys I had been given whom neighbors had poisoned with anti-freeze--they went so fast...immediate Kidney Failure.

It is so very hard to feel everything all at once, I think we just handle some of it at a time....otherwise we couldn't handle it at all. Another homeostatic function of our wonderous spirits; not unlike the homeostasis of our physical being.

Sounds like you have been stuffing many feelings for a long time. You have kept yourself numb perhaps, so that you do not have to deal with it all.

You are a Nurse......we are good at cracking a joke about something that would horrify others...but then, they do not deal with human misery for a living. I found it the only way to cope on the job. "Stamp up the toe tags, I'll be back to help ya in 5 let's call it a wrap!" ha ha Sensitivity, compassion, and kindness are integral components of a truly good Nurse. They, by the same token, make us so much more hurt by the pain of others...to cope, we must develop callouses, and learn to "stuff"
(I call it that) our true feelings.

Been watching you --you are attempting to feel it all---something inside you is telling you it's time to open up the floodgates. That means you are ready. (it has happened to me this way)

I am certain that you will be most capable of grieving everything, including (((((Millie's))))) death..........

I needed the help of a therapist--the right one (too many wrong ones out there) to help me through much of my grief.

I am sooo sorry you had this happen tonight,,you are in my thoughts---Pax--theo