I love my husband, we've been married for 10 years. A few times throughout our relationship I have gotten drunk to the point of blacking out and doing terrible sexual acts with people I know as well as perfect strangers. I can't believe I did it. I feel like someone else took over me. I've been honest with my husband but things aren't right. He's trying to get through this but isn't dealing with it well as I'm not either(especially since it's not the first time). Growing up I always felt proud of the fact that I wasn't sleeping around like all my friends. I fear that my husband will never look at me the same, love me the same, or trust me again. I'm scared I ruined our life. I don't know what to do. As selfish as it may sound I'm a little angry at HIM...I grew up in an abusive household and jumped into a physically and sexually abusive relationship at 14 and throughout the years have come to realize that I'm sexually defective. Theres so much pressure with sex in our marriage. He thinks I'm not sexually attracted to him but really its like I have female erectile dysfunction? I want to make love with my husband but am NEVER aroused (which makes it very awkward and uncomfortable). I've been trying to tell my husband for the last 4 years I have an alcohol problem and should never drink (because I black out and do things out of character) and he doesnt support me...he wants me to be able to control it and gets mad when I do things that I've done. Now I have quit drinking without the support from him which is hard but Im angry at him because I feel like I've been crying out to him and he never listens to me or takes me seriously, and Ive been putting up with things he does that arent right for YEARS like completely ignoring his wife and kids every day after 10 hours of work to get stoned and play video games, its like hes never there. He gets mad about our poor sex life but NEVER romanticizes me. Now my question is after everything... why is it just me?? I'm the bad guy, what I did is unforgivable. Ive lost all my trust, respect, and dignity from him. Am I being selfish? I hate the feeling that he thinks I am a bad wife/*****. I made mistakes I can't even hardly live with. I just want everything to be good again. Please help me!!