Greetings,

I'm a mostly-gay-identified FTM transsexual. I've been on hormone replacement therapy for almost three years. I'm completely pre-op but not too happy about that (it's mostly other health issues and uncertainty about payment for the operations that are holding me back.) I'm sort of a latecomer in the trans world. I only came out to myself and started the process of transitioning in 2006 when I was around 29-30 years old. I've always felt not-female but was heavily involved in a strict conservative religious community that taught that questioning one's gender and sexuality was a grave sin. I'm out of that now and moving on, with only a few speed bumps I'm still working through. I'm very well adjusted to my identity as a man and am "read" as male a good 99% of the time... I only get the "ma'am" from behind because I have long hair and often carry a "man bag."

Anyway, I'm despairing quite a bit here because I'm terribly lonely. I'm dealing with agoraphobia and social anxiety, probably a bit of Avoidant Personality Disorder, too, but no official diagnosis there yet. Because I'm human, and have human needs and desires, however, I do want to meet guys and date. Thing is, I have no idea how to do this. Because of my social anxiety, I'm extremely reluctant to go to groups to meet people, and even when I do, I'm so focused on my own anxiety and fear amidst other people that I never remember names. Even if someone piques my interest, I'm way too shy to walk up and introduce myself. To top this off, because of my trans status, I am terrified of rejection because I'm not physically congruent with my gender. (On that note, if I had a dollar for every time I got rejected after coming out to guys I meet on dating sites, I could just hire a rent boy... seriously.)

I'm a bookish type. I have browsed nearly every bookstore that's come across my path. I know that guidebooks for dating for men are rare, guides for gay men are even rarer, and there's just flat out NOTHING for transfolk... dare I say there's even less than that for gay transguys? (Less than zero? How's that work?! LOL)

I guess what I'd like to know is this:

1. Where do I meet gay guys who aren't shallow, only seeking a good-looking dude with all the "right" proportions? Keeping in mind that I'm physically unable to play sports and am very shy, quiet and understated, nerdy bookish type...

2. The disclosure issue: Do I tell him up front about my trans status and not waste his time (or mine) or do I let him get to know me and then tell, giving him the challenge of figuring out if anatomy is more important than having a loving, caring, sensitive companion at his side?

3. And maybe this is a remnant of internalized homophobia I still have left... but I'm working on it... are there gay guys out there in the world who DON'T judge other men by their physical appearance and attributes? I'm sure there are, but I need confirmation. Sexual intimacy isn't a make-or-break thing for me but I'm not unwilling to be intimate with a partner. But sex isn't my primary motivation in life. I'd love nothing more than a partner to share my life with. I'm just so tired of running up against people who are gay, proud, yet transphobic. I'm not even picky; I'd date other transmen if I knew any.

Advice, assistance and kind regard for my situation and limitations would be highly appreciated. Thanks.

-Kyle