thank you. . .just needed to be heard. sometimes the worst pain comes from no one hearing me. or wanting to hear it. "why are we even talking about this?" being asked that is like being punched in the face. because it happened thats why. because i have to live with this every day of my life, because i cant watch television without something setting me off, because i never feel safe when i'm home alone, or at my parents house, or on the street at night, because i cant feel anything when someones touching me unless they are hurting me, because it makes me wish i didnt survive, because it makes me cry every damn day, because i feel alone and damaged and unloveable, because it happened and i have to live with it.
sometimes i'm fine for a while. . .the past few months though i cant keep it together. ever since my parents reentered my life because of all the financial hardship, i've been going crazy. i cleaned the house today for hours. i scrubbed every inch, polished every piece of furniture, shined the windows, mopped the floors and cleaned every scrap of laundry because i couldnt stop smelling dead leaves. my husband thinks i'm crazy and maybe hes right. i cant sleep and i cant eat and i wish someone would just put me out of this misery already. thanks for listening. just needed to get that out.