oh des, i know how you feel and i wish i had the words to make it right. we all make mistakes. i still make them, every day of my life. but i try to be a good person, and it sounds like youre trying to. give yourself a chance. i fear sometimes that just by virtue of being my fathers daughter, my brothers sister, something bad is within me waiting to come out. we can choose to be different though. were not condemned to make their mistakes. every parent gets mad at their children sometimes. just remember that when you feel like youre losing it, walk away. go into another room, and remind yourself that you dont want to make your children feel the way your mother made you feel. i know youre a good person, and i have no doubt youre a good parent as well. try to hang in there.
and as far as the eating. . . youre a mom. you need those calories to keep after your kids. buy some ensure. force it down. dont let yourself waste away. your family needs you.
hugs and wishing you healing and hoping you can forgive yourself.