Rap,

I feel for you and your struggle... it's not easy for sure.

Have you thought about that perhaps-- you're just not good in a relationship that demeans and invalidates you? It's amazing how just a small bit of a sense that one is valued by another can nourish a starving relationship.
I believe that-- to begin with though-- one must first see the value in themself....... in order to accept that others value them.
I bet if you really thought about it.... you could think of many things that you do to keep the house/family running-- like you have a job, you cook, you shop, you clean, you do laundry, you assist your children when they need assistance. LOOK at all those things!!! Please give yourself credit for all you do! Try not to measure your accomplishments by someone elses standards-- if your work is sufficient to you-- then that's good enough.
OK-- I'll get off my soapbox!! Just would love you to see how valuable you truly are!

My condolences to you and your family in regards to your grandmother. If you feel that it would be best to go without your husband then I say go. I went to a sister's funeral alone(out of state)--- it was a good decision for me. I also have a hard time getting close to others and was feeling too vulnerable..... it worked out to the best for me, but also, my husband was understanding about it which helped a lot. Maybe you could tell him --- this is something you wish to do alone and anyway.... the kids need him at home with them.
---- IDK--- just an idea.

I wish you inner peace and value.

mandy