KP, I am sorry you are dealing with so much internal "noise" and confusion. It can seem overwhelming. I am lucky to have clear memories of two abusers but the pieces that haunt me are the ones that are just fragments, intuition, a few sensory "flashback?" pieces. And I too will never be able to confirm what part of me wants me to admit happened actually happened. So I fight myself, I fight my therapist, but slowly I have found myself writing in my journal as if I am admitting it. And my gut feeling is that I am right. But I will never know. So I try, really, really hard to give myself permission to write and think whatever comes up and then I share it with my therapist on the repeated assumption that I am not telling her it happened I am just sharing the thoughts etc that have surfaced.

One way I have found that helps me get internal permission to even consider it is to write as if it is a story about someone else. I write "fairy" stories, Once upon a time stories. They can have ogres and castles and monsters. After I write them and read them in therapy my T asks me how I feel about the little girl in the story and then I consider what I can do to help "rescue" the part of me that relates to the character in the story. Taking that step back from reality into a story helps me be less judgemental of my fears about telling lies or making things up.

This may not help you at all, but I thought I would share. I can put my Ogre story up on my blog for you to read if you want. Let me know if that would be any help.