Thanks for your reply. You ideas are good; however, I have been a silent sufferer for years and do a great job acting "normal." I'm able to put on a fake happy face and so most of the people in my life have no idea of any of my struggles. I function well in society yet hide this boiling mass of frustration and torment within myself. I don't want sympathy, attention, people who care hurting for me and all that. No sense in anyone else having to endure the suffering or watch me as I do. I just want to feel better.

Though I'm not happy about my recent BPD diagnosis, it also put things in perspective for me and answered many questions. I guess it linked many aspects of my life together that individually had been tormenting me. So, the insight there makes me feel better. I know I need to reach out and accept help and support of those who care about me, I'm just afraid that it would annoy me and I would push them away even more.

Of course, I say all of this now yet in a few hours or the next day my mood will be completely different and I'll either want full embrace or to live in a cave. Just not sure that anyone else needs to experience the roller coaster that is my life.