Thanks to everyone for your thoughts. Soulquake, I would LOVE counseling! I have suggested it for a few years now but my husband seems to take it as an insult. Plus it's so pricey if you don't have insurance! I do think my childhood experiences and journey through life this far has maybe caused some of my sexual issues but I don't believe I am dwelling on it, I was just adding it in there to show some of the issues and why it bothers me my husband doesn't understand me better. Leed, WOW that is exactly what it's like! I've tried sooo hard to set limits and control myself but almost always fail. After i take one drink I wont stop. I've gone for 2 days drinking. Now I didn't drink everyday, maybe once or twice a month but it was almost always out of control, I become loud, aggressive and irrational and NO ONE can stop me. I was fooling myself, it bothers me that my husband didn't listen or support me, especially after the first time I did something terrible. (Im not blaming him and he didn't deserve this I'm just saying I feel like it was his duty as my partner to step in for me when I was hurting myself and our whole family) He's always been a pot head but I guess I didn't mind it at first and for a long time. He would use it on the weekends or at a get together then after work now EVERY day after work, EVERY day off starting in the morning, I feel like our family and myself are being neglected. The only time he's clear minded is at work where the employees and strangers get his clear attention. I don't think its fair. The video games have been consistently getting worse the last 2 years. I tried talking to him, telling him my feelings and soon turned into complaining and nagging, once I realized it was starting fights I decided to lay off, I don't want to be a nag and don't want to fight. Since my last indiscretion, It's all gotten much worse. He doesn't even speak to the kids unless he's yelling at them, He hates his job so he's extra miserable when he finally comes home and I feel like I can't do or say ANYTHING because of what I've done. And the sexual matter stinks because I'm not easily aroused, he does these things and sex is the farthest thing from my mind, but when I don't provide the luv'n he's gets upset and offended because I would do what i did but wont do it for him. I really feel scared for our love and marriage and family, I don't know how to fix it.
Thanks again to listening to my troubles, I know our life could be much worse (we are all alive, well, fed, clothed and have roofs over our heads) but this just hurts so bad.
Troubled and confused,
fullofregret