mom,
i am bipolar/ptsd as well. i have also dont my share of self injury. like nycgurl i am a social worker, though never made it to lcsw because i had a major breakdown getting my bsw and was denied admission to the masters program. i struggled with the bipolar for years attempting to manage it with anything other than medication. nothing worked. then with all the things i was learning in my social work classes it brought the ptsd to a head, exacerbating the bipolar and i just lost it. i am a rapid cycler between suicidal depressions, manias (which had become psychotic) and mixed cycles) it came down to knowing i had to try medication or i would be dead. there were no other choices left for me. the first few months were a mess. i ended up hospitalized against my will. i am with the state system, swapping docs so treatment was inconsistent so it took almost three years to find the right meds for me. the depression was gone within the first year and i havent had a problem with it since. i am no longer on antidpressants. the anxiety was easily treated with med and i am off that now as well and still have problems with it but can manage with the skills i have learned in therapy which i still attend every two weeks. finding the right med for the mania,stablizing that was difficult. i would not take anything that had side effects i did not like. i would tolerate a little shaking and some weight gain if the med worked. but if it messed with my thyroid, or caused confusion or forgetfulness or akathesia, perceptual distortion, excessive sleepiness, i would refuse to take it. there are tons of differnt drugs out there they can try. you have to advocate for yourself and speak up if you dont like a med, dont let them force you to stay on a drug you dont like.

my boss just complimented me yesterday on how well i have been doing. she knows i am crazy. she pointed out how stable i have been over the last year, wanted me to know that it hasnt gone unnoticed. when i was a mess, i never thought i could get better. i worked so hard at it for so many years and never found relief, never saw that light at the end of the tunnel. the slightest happeness was marred by that worry of when is the next crash going to hit me. this past may has been the first time that i havent worried about crashing. may typically is a manic with psychosis month and i made it through without panicing over any little mood change cause i still find mental health so hard to trust. it is so amazing, boring even, to not have these constant roller coasters going on in my life. i still occasionally suffer from ptsd triggers, but the dissociation and hypervigilance are gone.

sorry i went on here. it just seems you have the same problems as me and i wanted you to know you arent alone and that things can get better as long as you dont give up.