I identified with so much in your post. My husband has told me more than once that I am my own worst enemy and that I am the only one fighting with myself.

I have told my child to shut up many times. I always feel terrible about it but he loves as much as ever and I know I don't love him any less.

It sounds like you need a little bit of time to yourself now and again. Just a little bit of time where you can sit or lay quietly, read or walk, bathe or shower, listen to music or enjoy total silence. My husband often takes my son and stepdaughter away for a couple of hours so that I can have me-time. That me-time is often spent doing absolutely nothing. Just indulging in peace-and-quiet without guilt. (Despite that it took years not to feel guilty).

You sound like a wonderful and caring wife and mother. Imagine that you are carrying a rugsack of rocks and pebbles on your back. Everyday throw out one pebble until you are ready to throw out some rocks. Each rock and pebble would represent a guilt that you are feeling and when you throw it out of the sack, you are forgiving yourself. Perhaps you wont forget, but the most important thing is that self-forgiveness. It may take a while, but as that rugsack becomes a little lighter, so does the guilt. I have been carrying my rugsack all my life. It still isn't empty but I have somehow managed to lighten it's load.

Feel free to PM me - I really feel for you.

((Des))