Okay, I just lost a post somewhere, so forgive me if this shows up twice:

I'm kind of radical when it comes to this sort of thing - my parents fought, and it was an enormous relief when my stepmother would confide in me. It really diffused all the tension in the house because I could see very plainly what he was doing to her every day, and as a human being (I remember it was really bad when i was about ten) I very badly NEEDED for her to talk to me about it. I really wouldn't say that it harmed me in the least - which is in complete contrast to the way HIS BEHAVIOR harmed me (and her).

There have been things that I've simply had to tell my daughter about regarding my husband and his family before she went to spend time with them. I had to be sure she was armed with certain knowledge, and in general, I'm afraid i really wonder WHO ON earth made up these court mandated rules about talking about your spouse - denial and collusion are very powerful tools, adn all the while I'm thinking: "I don't want to keep my daughter in the dark about the TWISTED nature of human behavior and have her make the same naive mistakes I did." I'm ABSOLUTELY NOT supposed to say this, but everything inside of me says: "Don't be hard on yourself. Talk to your kids and ask them how it affects them when you confide in them. i'm sorry, but I do give my kid a lot of power in life - a lot more than my ex would have her have - I try never to underestimate her and the complexity of what she needs emotionally, and she and everyone around me assures me I'm doing just fine w/ her. Call me nuts, but I do believe there IS a possibility that they appreciate you for it. And if they don't, then they can articulate to you about why not. Then it becomes easier for you to comply with their wishes, just like it's easier for a kid to do the right thing when he or she understands the consequences, more so than when an adult says: "Because I said so". You're under an enormous amount of stress right now. Don't let morays cow you into behaving a certain way - think it through and try to get a level head by venting to Crisis Intervention or a woman's hot line, and then talk to them about their feelings about what's going on. You might find out a LOT about how they feel about your venting just from letting THEM vent. There are many people who believe that kids are every bit as smart and complex as adults (sometimes smarter!) and I'm one of them - AS LONG AS YOU DON'T OVERWHELM THEM or burden them inappropriately - and I think they're capable of telling you when they're overwhelmed (usually - unless things have been really unhealthy for a long time). it's hard to know where that line is - and this may not be your first priority right now (a good lawyer is perhaps your first priority), but Bruno Bettelheim is the best author I know on the subject. Reading A Good Enough Parent is what I believe the best gift you can give a child. And my goodness HANG IN THERE and remember YOUR needs - get ALL the moral support you can - divorce is one of the most difficult things a person can face. And DivorceCare classes saved my life. See DivorceCare.org, and keep us posted. This site is SO wonderful in terms of support and loving advice.