lex. . . i've read your posts. you are caring and supportive, inspirational and encouraging. it sounds as though you are being hard on yourself for things that you have not done wrong, or couldnt help or prevent, and thats not fair to you. i wish that you could see yourself the way others see you, for all your good and your strength.
you are not responsible for the death of your mother. the cancer is. and you are not responsible for the abuse.
i could go through the list one at a time, but its not necessary. you are a good person, and you are feeling guilt over things you have no control over. please give yourself a break. be gentle with yourself.
hugs and hoping you feel better soon. you deserve so much more in this life. give yourself a chance to find it.