So frustrating lately. Sometimes I think I'm doing okay, staying present, etc. And then I get in trouble. And I don't even know what the heck happened.

So often lately, I seem to be making double plans. I make plans and think, this will be so fun or I'm just glad I'm getting something done that needed to be done (ie dr appts, movies, dinner, etc). And then I get in trouble because I didn't know that "I" had already made plans or appts or whatever (completely different unrelated plans) for the same day, through another part of me.

It leaves friends and family members feeling unimportant that I didn't remember the plans we made (even though I didn't remember making the plans with them and don't even know what they are talking about). It makes others feel that I don't care, etc.

It causes arguments because I get thrown back into the whole "they are tricking me" mode sometimes, denying that I double booked anything (because "I" didn't).

I often put my plans on a calendar, but even if the calendar is out, the other plans don't get written down. Sometimes I miss the plans completely and find out later that not only did I not participate in the plans made, I was off doing something else without telling anyone (specifically the person with whom the original plans were made).

Life is such a roller coaster ride sometimes. It makes me feel like a failure as a parent, as a friend. Even the ones in my life that know what's going on get hurt feelings. They know what happened, but they still feel unimportant. And that hurts my heart, too.

I think I'm working towards co-consciousness or healing or whatever it is I'm trying to head toward and then I realize that I obviously have so much more to do, if I've made any progress at all.

So frustrating.